Jacquee's Crackies

Questions lots of questions.

Wednesday, May 11, 2005

I ask for your forgiveness in advance... I need an outlet for all the thoughts that are running through my brain and the people that I usually talk to are most likely sleeping by now...

When I was a junior in high school one of my friend's favorite saying was "ignorance is bliss"... Whenever she would say it I would counter her with "yeah well then why does the truth set you free?" We were totally trying to just be funny at the time... Who would have thought that 5 years later this very question that I have no answer to. Nor do I know what I would rather have... Freeing truth or blissful ignorance...If I am being truly honest with myself I would say I want to know the truth and ignorant people really aggravate me to no end.

In anycase, normally when I get in a funk like this and have no one to call I scribble on paper my thoughts and read through them a few times and get rid of them... I have never been one to keep a diary.

Tonight I found myself asking all these questions to which I don't know the answer to. I will put my questions here and please feel free to answer them if you think you have an answer.

Why am I unable to find/keep a job?
Why do I so often feel like my world completely sucks?
Why when I know that I need counseling to get over my childhood, has God not provided me a way to pay for it?
Why do I mask my pain with humor?
Why do I have so much anger towards my Dad when I am so much like him?
Why when I was younger (and still sometimes now) did I think I needed to lie and make up stories to be cool and fit in?
Why do I sometimes like to make more trouble than I need to?
Why do I look for ways not to like people or things?
Why do I see the bad in everyone but if someone is talking bad about someone will I defend that person tooth and nail even if said person has hurt me? IE: my Dad.
Why can't I remember my Mom's voice anymore?
Why is the main reason I want a "Mom" so badly because I want to curl up in someone's lap and have her stroke my face?
Why do I want to curl up in a dark place and cry if I am afraid of the dark?
Why is it that the only two places in the world I feel safe are in peoples arms (Nanny and Jonathan)?
Why am I asking myself all these questions I know that I cannot answer?
I just needed to get those things off my chest...If you have any thoughts leave a tag, a comment, or e-mail me.

:Posted By: Jacqueline Mardelle On: Wednesday, May 11, 2005:
5 Comments:

5/11/2005 05:44:00 PM Shari said...
5/12/2005 12:04:00 AM word. said...
5/13/2005 10:07:00 PM Brent said...
5/16/2005 01:16:00 PM word. said...
5/28/2005 10:02:00 AM Sean said...

Jacquee, you're amazing. Never doubt that. I love you for your honesty (even when you're not so honest *wink*). I love you for your ballsy, earthy (crass) sense of humor, even when it's covering up pain. Your life experiences have helped make you the caring, beautiful person you are today. I'm so glad that you came into my life because you've helped me tremendously over the past year. Please know that you've made a difference in my life and I know that you've made a difference in others as well. I'm sorry that your mom isn't here to see you and know you now. I would love to have met her.

By Shari, at 5/11/2005 05:44:00 PM

Thanks you two...

And Shari I am certain you and my Mom would have gotten along wonderfully :)

By word., at 5/12/2005 12:04:00 AM

Dear Smacquee,

I appreciate your honesty in asking these difficult questions. Of course, I have many answers.

You are unable to find/keep a job because of your bad habit of wearing your underpants on your head on Tuesdays.

Your world completely sucks because you don't get to see me every single day. You should carry a picture of me with you at all times (I sell 8x10 glossies for $100, signed for $500) . . . perhaps this would make all of your dreams come true.

My brother Ghullever is a certified Monster counselor (CMC) that has developed a Points Inspiring To Success System (PITSS) that may be very helpful for you. It works something like this: you earn positive points for healthy behaviors, and negative points for unhealthy behaviors. Every day, the goal is to make at least 10 points. 5 is considered satisfactory, zero would be kind of a worthless day, and anything below zero, well, better luck tomorrow. Please contact me for more details on how Ghullever's PITSS can work for you.

You look for ways to not like people or things because let's face it, people are just annoying. Maybe if you hung out with monsters more, you would not find this to be as much of a problem.

You mask your pain with humor because it is better than masking it with fake epileptic seizures. Believe me, I've tried it, it doesn't work. Try this for dealing with your pain: cram it down deep inside of you and if you start feeling it come to the surface again, just cram it inside even deeper. I have found this to be a very effective method of dealing with life's troubles.

Love and fish lips,
Lil' G

By Brent, at 5/13/2005 10:07:00 PM

Grover you are just wrong!! Funny but wrong!! I think you might want to start using Ghullever's program. You might become a better monster!

Peace, Love and Hair Grease ♥!

By word., at 5/16/2005 01:16:00 PM

Stopped by to smash some apple cheesecake and found this...

Hmmmmm. Have a lot of the same questions, myself. Somehow I wonder if the answer for one answers them all.

Hang in there Jacquee; thanks for sharing this.

By Sean, at 5/28/2005 10:02:00 AM

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Quotes I ♥

"ummmm ... no Jacquee dear I do not. Your real nickname is 'perfect little angel that everyone loves and adores'"
{Brent}

"The Edge... there is no honest way to explain it because the only people who really know where it is are the ones who have gone over."
{Hunter S. Thompson}

"...an ocean tumbled by with a private boat for me and i sailed off through the night and day and in and out of weeks and almost over a year to where the wild things are."
{Where The Wild Things Are -- Maurice Sendak}

"I think I'll be a clown when I get grown," said Dill. "Yes, sir, a clown.... There ain't one thing in this world I can do about folks except laugh, so I'm gonna join the circus and laugh my head off." "You got it backwards, Dill," said Jem. "Clowns are sad, it's folks that laugh at them." "Well, I'm gonna be a new kind of clown. I'm gonna stand in the middle of the ring and laugh at the folks."
{To Kill A Mockingbird -- Harper Lee}

"There are always two people in every picture: the photographer and the viewer."
{Ansel Adams}

"They're certainly entitled to think that, and they're entitled to full respect for their opinions... but before I can live with other folks I've got to live with myself. The one thing that doesn't abide by majority rule is a person's conscience."
{Atticus -- To Kill A Mockingbird -- Harper Lee}

"There are no rules for good photographs, there are only good photographs."
{Ansel Adams}

"A stiff apology is a second insult.... The injured party does not want to be compensated because he has been wronged; he wants to be healed because he has been hurt."
{G.K. Chesterton}

"...but I don't think I give an elf's butt about that."
{Mary}

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