Jacquee's Crackies

Made me laugh.

Thursday, January 19, 2006

Dear Alcohol,

First & foremost, let me tell you that I'm a huge fan of yours. As my friend, you always seem to be there when needed. The perfect post-work cocktail, a beer at the game, and you're even around at the holidays, hidden inside chocolates, as you warm us when we're stuck in the midst of endless family gatherings. However, lately I've been wondering about your intentions. While I want to believe that you have my best interests at heart, I feel that your influence has led some unwise consequences:

1. Phone calls: While I agree with you that communication is important, I question the suggestion that any conversation of substance or necessity takes place after 2 a.m. Why would you make me call those ex-boyfriends/girlfriends when I know for a fact they do not want to hear from me during the day, let alone all hours of the night?

2. Eating: Now, you know I love a good meal, but why do you suggest that I eat a taco with chili sauce, along with a big Italian meatball and some stale chips (washed down with WINE & topped off with a Kit Kat after a few cheese curls & chili cheese fries)? I'm an eclectic eater, but I think you went too far this time.

3. Clumsiness: Unless you're subtly trying to tell me that I need to do more yoga to improve my balance, I see NO need to hammer the issue home by causing me to fall down. It's completely unnecessary, and the black & blue marks that appear on my body mysteriously the next day are beyond me. Similarly, it should never take me more than 45 seconds to get the front door key into the lock.

4. Furthermore: The hangovers have GOT to stop. This is getting ridiculous. I know a little penance for our previous evening's debauchery may be in order, but the 3pm hangover imobility is completely unacceptable. My entire day is shot. I ask that, if the proper precautions are taken (water, vitamin B, bread products, aspirin) prior to going to sleep/passing out face down on the kitchen floor with a bag of popcorn, the hangover should be minimal & in no way interfere with my daily activities.

Alcohol, I have enjoyed our friendship for some years now & would like to ensure that we remain on good terms. You've been the invoker of great stories, the provocation for much laughter, and the needed companion when I just don't know what to do with the extra money in my pockets. In order to continue this friendship, I ask that you carefully review my grievances above & address them immediately. I will look for an answer no later than Thursday 3pm (pre-happy hour) on your possible solutions & hopefully we can continue this fruitful partnership.

Thank you,

Your biggest fan

P.S. THINGS THAT ARE DIFFICULT TO SAY WHEN DRUNK:
1. Innovative
2. Preliminary
3. Proliferation
4. Cinnamon

THINGS THAT ARE VERY DIFFICULT TO SAY WHEN DRUNK:
1. Specificity
2. British Constitution
3. Passive-aggressive disorder

THINGS THAT ARE DOWNRIGHT IMPOSSIBLE TO SAY WHEN DRUNK:
1. Thanks, but I don't want to have sex.
2. Nope, no more beer for me.
3. Sorry, but you're not really my type.
4. Good evening, officer. Isn't it lovely out tonight?
5. Oh, I couldn't. No one wants to hear me sing.

:Posted By: Jacqueline Mardelle On: Thursday, January 19, 2006:
2 Comments:

1/20/2006 03:41:00 PM Mary said...
1/22/2006 09:55:00 PM Shari said...

Made me laugh, too! :)

Hello, Miss Jacquee - just wanted to say how lovely it was to meet you finally today and be able to hug you!
Hooray for good timing. ♥

Oh, and I love your new photo up top.
Have a great weekend.

PS - you know what another 'impossibility when drunk' thing is?! Any of the word verifications you have to type in blogger!!! Hahaha. Well, somebody told me that. I thought it was kinda funny. Not like I would know. Or anything. 'Cause I don't know stuff. ;) LOL, alright me and my pink polkadot sweater are outta here...!

By Mary, at 1/20/2006 03:41:00 PM

Hmmmmmm mmmmmmm.

You pink polka-dotted lush, you! LMAO!

I can't even do the word verifications sober. :-)

By Shari, at 1/22/2006 09:55:00 PM

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Quotes I ♥

"ummmm ... no Jacquee dear I do not. Your real nickname is 'perfect little angel that everyone loves and adores'"
{Brent}

"The Edge... there is no honest way to explain it because the only people who really know where it is are the ones who have gone over."
{Hunter S. Thompson}

"...an ocean tumbled by with a private boat for me and i sailed off through the night and day and in and out of weeks and almost over a year to where the wild things are."
{Where The Wild Things Are -- Maurice Sendak}

"I think I'll be a clown when I get grown," said Dill. "Yes, sir, a clown.... There ain't one thing in this world I can do about folks except laugh, so I'm gonna join the circus and laugh my head off." "You got it backwards, Dill," said Jem. "Clowns are sad, it's folks that laugh at them." "Well, I'm gonna be a new kind of clown. I'm gonna stand in the middle of the ring and laugh at the folks."
{To Kill A Mockingbird -- Harper Lee}

"There are always two people in every picture: the photographer and the viewer."
{Ansel Adams}

"They're certainly entitled to think that, and they're entitled to full respect for their opinions... but before I can live with other folks I've got to live with myself. The one thing that doesn't abide by majority rule is a person's conscience."
{Atticus -- To Kill A Mockingbird -- Harper Lee}

"There are no rules for good photographs, there are only good photographs."
{Ansel Adams}

"A stiff apology is a second insult.... The injured party does not want to be compensated because he has been wronged; he wants to be healed because he has been hurt."
{G.K. Chesterton}

"...but I don't think I give an elf's butt about that."
{Mary}

Photogs of Mr. Huhrubababubb